I always thought I’d homeschool my kids. When I thought of sending my kids to school I’d get caught up in my own feelings about why they shouldn’t go to public school and thinking about the countless tragedies that have struck schools in the past. My fear and panic would send me straight into the “I’m homeschooling” conversation. People thought I was crazy. “YOU are going to homeschool all your kids?” Well, I failed.
Yesterday I sent my oldest to school outside of my home and as happy as I am that she loves it, part of me is devastated because I feel like a failure. No matter how hard I tried to establish a proper school routine for her I just couldn’t get it right. So I was stuck between making the choice to send her to school or try and homeschool unprepared and taking the risk of her being ill-prepared in the future. Obviously sending her to school outside the home was the best option.
I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the first day and even after dropping her off I questioned if it was the right thing. My husband held my hand and said, “I can’t imagine being with someone every single day for 4 years and then suddenly sending them off for a few hours every day.” He’s right. It feels like something is missing. I’m lonely and find myself looking at the clock every few minutes just waiting to jump in the car to pick her up. The twins asked for her about 10 times yesterday! So maybe the real reason I wanted to homeschool was because I want her close, I’m weak and can’t stand being apart from my kids. Being at home with my kids is all I know as a mom, the risk I took when I because a stay-at-home-mom.
I know it will take adjusting and this is only pre-k! I still have time to homeschool when the twins are older if we want to! But here’s the thing I fear: she’s not going to want to homeschool with me. Maybe I’m not good enough to teach her. Maybe she’ll prefer to learn with someone else. It seems silly but they’re real fears. I shouldn’t feel bad about sending her to school. She absolutely loves it so far and I know she will thrive during this school year. So it’s really my own heart I have to work on.
I want to share in her joy and excitement! This is a huge step! The guilt won’t make her feel happy about learning, it’ll only burden her which is the opposite of what I want for my daughter. Seeking God in this moment is crucial. I ask Him to fill me with his joy because ultimately that’s what I want her to see. Here’s to a wonderful school year where I can pull even closer to God’s light.