The Gift I Didn’t Know I had

Growing up I had several answers for the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question. The usual girly stuff, veterinarian, model, singer, actress. But the thing I wanted to be first, the one thing my parents always brings up, is a mom. I don’t remember it but apparently I came home from Kindergarten one day claiming I was married and the following day I had a baby! My poor mother. I was always the responsible one growing up, the mother hen, my maternal instinct ran deep. Sometimes I like to think it still does.

As I got older I began to realize that I wasn’t cut out for certain things. Becoming a vet meant having to like animals so that was out. I don’t have the height for modeling, I don’t have the courage for acting and let just say you’ll never hear my singing voice. I think all of those are great professions but they were not for me and that’s OK.

After Pierre and I got married I became worried about motherhood. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to raise a child. Every time I made cookies I messed them up, I didn’t know any nursery rhymes and I knew nothing about actually raising a child. I really did use to sweat the little things before having kids. How will I teach them right from wrong? How will I discipline them? How will they respect me? Will they like my cooking? What if I mess up? What if I always burn the cookies?

The years have passed and I have 4 kids now. I’ve been raising them up to this point and so far it’s going better than expected. Turns out I’m not completely hopeless. When Eva, my oldest, was a baby Pierre sang to her a lot. He has the voice of an angel. She loved it, it would sooth her in a heart beat. I use to try and sneak in a hummed version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star every now. But somewhere along the four and a half year journey of motherhood, I’ve learned to love singing to my kids. I never knew it could happen, honestly. I don’t know when but I began singing out loud to my kids. And, get this, they started to request I sing to them at bedtime. They actually enjoy it! So every night when I wrestle them to sleep lay the twins down I ask what songs we’re singing and they always pick the same ones: Somewhere Over The Rainbow, ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, You Are My Sunshine, and one in Spanish called Los Pollitos.

I find it amazing that God can change my heart towards singing. It gives me the courage to sing a little louder at church when I worship Him. I’m not even embarrassed most of the time. He has turned something I was ashamed of into something beautiful, something I can bring to my kids, something I can use to love them, something I can see in myself that brings them joy, something that brings me joy.

Motherhood has been a challenging road for me. I’ve had many days when I didn’t think I was cut out for it. But somehow when I sing to my kids at night it feels like I can be a mom for one more day. God is ever present and He can turn something broken into something beautiful. He took my insecurities about being a mother and gave me something I can hold on to. It’s not a cure-all and it may seem like something shallow to be concerned about but it’s more about the fact that God is working than about my singing voice. He’s the God of grace and mercy. Singing to my kids has changed how I feel about myself as a mother. It’s a gift for my kids I never knew I had.

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